he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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