My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
