Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
