i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
