so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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