Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
