Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
