my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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