Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
