yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
