so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
did i just pee glitter
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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