the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
