pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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