Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this just has baby written all over it
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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