just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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