I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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