When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
