Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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