hell yes lets make some ravioli
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
