The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
