Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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