the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
