just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
