The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize