In the future we'll all be gay
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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