I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
