I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
