there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
