Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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