u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
