you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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