I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize