You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize