I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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