You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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