Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
