why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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