I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
