I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
