dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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