Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
