got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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