In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
