I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
