I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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