Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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