its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When are your genitals available?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize