i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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