I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
sex in a hospital.. check
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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