Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
