ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
