Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
