Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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