My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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