i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
