I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
