So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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