WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
