question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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