he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
