i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
