I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
