Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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