I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
